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| Run for your life, Kalon! |
Five episodes in and I have a serious love/hate relationshipwith Emily. It’s like some sort of Bachelorette-Induced Schizophrenia (BIS). Sometimes, I’m all “you go, you little saucy Southernspitfire” and other times, I’m all “make it stop, you Barbie prom queen fromhell.” The thing is? Sometimes I have these feelings over the course of onescene.
Okay, let’s take Baggage-Gate, shall we? Anyone else think Emily overreacted just a wee bit to that controversy? I mean, I’d like to see how thisgirl would react an actual disaster, like an earthquake or a bad hair day.
The cult of Ricki on this show is kind of out of control, ifyou ask me. That silhouetted image of The Bachelorette they show before going tocommercial break? It's actually of Emily andRicki. That’s the Bachelorette's freakin’ logo, people. It’s her brand.And each episode starts with a little scene of Ricki andEmily having some mommy/daughter bonding time—this is to prove to us that she’snot neglecting her little snookums while carousing around with a pack of hornydudes. Look, I get it, she loves her kid. Seriously, I don’t doubtthat for a second. But frankly, I’d believe it even more if she wasn’t constantly rammingit down our throats.
So the whole Kalon thing? Yeah, he acted like a jerk.Newsflash: Jerks do jerky things. All she had to do was not give him a rose. Or even, if she was really really pissed, kick him out on the spot.But the whole “West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass”routine? It seemed a bit self indulgent: Like she was showing off what afierce, proud, righteous mama she could be.And then, dear God, it continued. Her men were supposed haveher back and fight for her. (What year is this? 1956?)
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| Short list of guys who do not "have her back" |
A few thoughts on that:a. Girlfriend, you’re clearly more than capable of fightingyour own battles. (And I quote: “I want to rip off his limbs and beat him withthem.”) Frankly, you’re terrifying. b. So Kalon calls Ricki baggage and one of the guys issupposed to, what. . . challenge him to a dual? Write him astrongly-worded letter? c. If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the 295 seasons of TheBachelor, it’s this: Nobody like a narc. Badmouthing a fellow contestant israrely a good move (see Ben and hisEmily). Except, apparently, in Emily’s season, where if you’re not tattlin’you’re not carin’ (or something like that)
That being said…you know when I LOVED Emily? When she went all Kanye on Kalon’sass: “Imma let you finish…”
The fact that she threw Kalon’s words (“I love to hear you talk but not untilI’m done”) back in Kalon’s face as she kicked him to the curb was a truestanding ovation moment. If only he could’ve been taken away by helicopter.
Okay, a few more moments of BIS:
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| Luckily, Ryan's douchey little scarf is not a screaming red flag |
LOVED when Emily literally cringed when Ryan winked at her.HATED that she said, and I quote, “I’m mad at myself forsaying it, but I’m liking him more and more” (come to think of it, that quotesuggests that she, too, might suffer from a mild case of BIS.)
LOVED when Emily told Doug that she wanted to be by herself.(You are dismissed, tattletale!)
HATED that she gave him the first rose to thank him for “having her back.
HATED when she said, of Sean (natch): I get butterflies, butthey’re in my heart. LOVED that she added, “I know that sounds cheesy.”
And so it goes. . .
A few more random thoughts on the show:
1. I finally figured out why I hate Ryan so much (well, except for the obvious:He’s hateful.) Hereminds me of Matthew McConaughey. Not in appearance, obvs. But the wholeSouthern boy former-jock-turned-dime-store-philosopher persona. McConaugheygives us “Just Keep Livin’” and Ryan gives us a new nugget of musclehead wisdomevery week. This week? “When a girl tells me I’m trouble, but she smiles whenshe says it, that means she wants to get in trouble.” (Am I the only one whowants to rip off his limbs and beat him with them at a moment like this?)
2. Note toAmerican boys: Not knowing shit about England or Shakespeare isn’t cute, it’sembarrassing. (Like, Ricki thought the King and his Dragons lived in BuckinghamPalace and she still knows more aboutEngland than these nimrods.)
3. If Emily doesn’t end up with Sean nothing will ever makesense again.
4. Ewwww, Doug. (That is all.)
5. Why didn’t Jef get a punny date card? Did I miss it? Ilive for the punny date cards. (Hmmm, there had to be a pun about using theright fork but I can’t think of it) (That’s why the Bachelorette Punmastermakes the big bucks and I toil away anonymously on this blog.)
6. British etiquette lady needed a lesson in the proper wayto behave around a tub of tinted foundation. (Just sayin’). HDTV was not herfriend.
7. Awww, Jef, that kiss was truly adorkable. Love. Him.
8. Alessandro was cryingwhen he got the boot? Because Emily was really beginning to see whohe was? Dude, there were pigeons atStratford-upon-Avon who got more face time than you did.
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