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| Can this woman tear Arie and Emily asunder? (Spoiler alert: no) |
Don’t ya just love when ChrisHarrison thinks he’s breaking the “fourth wall” of the show, by turning to thecamera and saying, “Hi, I’m Chris Harrison”?Dude, there IS no fourth wall.This is reality TV. It’s not like Harrison is some sort of shadowy figure we’veonly heard in voiceover. (Ahhh, so THAT’S what Chris Harrison looks like.) Anyway, the big drama this “ChrisHarrison” fellow wants to share with us is that Arie, like, once held handswith one of the show’s producers or somethin’. Seriously, they dated briefly(and obviously meaninglessly) 10 years ago. Not quite sure why Arie didn’t justtell Emily about this but it is legitimately possible that it SLIPPED HIS MIND.That’s how not-big-dealy it was. Nonetheless, Emily is trying toget him to come clean. It’s like watching a really frustrating game show where we know that the password is “Idated the producer” but Arie doesn’t. “What do you value most in arelationship?” Arie asks, sensing Emily has something on her mind.“Honesty,” says Emily, leading thewitness. “Me too,” says Arie. “If anything,I’m honest to a fault. I’m overlyhonest.” Emily glares.“What else do you value in arelationship?” Arie asks, because it’s clear there’s more to be said.“Complete and utter openness,”Emily says.“Those are synonyms for honesty,”Arie says (Okay, he didn’t say that, but I wish he had.)“You want complete openness?” hesays.“What the fuck do you think we’retalking about here?” Emily says (or something to that effect.)“Okay,” says Arie.And here we go:“I used to have a tattoo of my exgirlfriend’s name on my arm.”Bwah!So then we go to a commercial andChris Harrison is back. “I’m Chris Harrison,” he says.I knew that dude looked familiar!“I’m here to tell you that all theinteresting stuff happened off camera.”So apparently, Emily and Arie madeup and are cool with each other and proved this by continuing to swap spit likethey were at some sort of spit swap meet. And then Arie tells Emily that heloves her and then actual fireworks gooff. There are many reasons whyrelationships formed on the Bachelorette are doomed to fail. But the numberreason? Fireworks. Once you tell a girl you love herand actual fireworks go off (over some shimmering lake in Prague, no less),it’s all down hill from there.
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| This shit isn't real, people! |
You may think that a pot of goldis waiting for you at the end of the rainbow, but as my Uncle Richard proved inthis disappointing but profoundly important video, it’s actually a Staplesoffice supply store.
Okay, so the next one-on-one dateis with John, aka “Wolf.”First of all, has anyone calledhim Wolf on the show, like, EVER? Just because you wish and hope that “Wolf” isyour nickname, that doesn’t make it true.
(This just in: A Google search revealsthat his last name is “Wolfner.” Okay, I get it now. . .) (Also, he’s a “datadestruction specialist” What the hell?)
Anyway, old Wolfy was totallygetting the boot last week until he broke out the dead grandparents card(literally), which saved him for a week. But his complete and utter lack ofpersonality might still prove to be problematic.
So Wolfy comes back from his date,and he’s on Cloud 9 (well, let’s say Cloud 7. . .I don’t think Wolfy’spersonality goes all the way up to Cloud 9) because the date just went THATWELL. This makes Chris even twitchier.(More on Chris’s insane-in-the-membrane meltdown later, needless to say.)
But first, one of the mostridiculously fake, embarrassing segments in the history of the show. Yes, I’mtalking about Sean’s Stanley Kowalski moment.So Sean decides he’s a man ofaction. And men of action don’t just sit around waiting for the Bachelorette tocome to them. They go to the Bachelorette.He has a plan, almost brilliant inits caveman simplicity. He will wander the streets of Prague, shouting Emily’s(first) name, UNTIL HE FINDS HER!It’s so crazy, it just might work.So off goes Sean, roaming thestreets, yelling, “Emily! Emily!” like he’s searching for a lost poodle.Then he sees a woman in an alley,in the shadows. It’s all very Hitchcockian. Who will it be?a. Some random blonde who is notEmilyb. A transvestite who will “haveto do” for the nightc. A vampired. Actually Emily, cause lurkingin alley’s in Prague is “her thing”
If you guessed d, well, bravo. Yougive the show less credit than I do and. . .you are right.
“Emily, what are you doing here by yourself?” Sean asks.Really, show?“Just hanging in Czech alleys, asI am wont to do,” Emily says. “Can we make out now?”“Boy, can we!”And . . . scene!
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| "Czech out my tongue" |
Next day, the group date withChris, Sean, and Doug.
The saga of Doug, the man with nogame, continues. He and Emily are alone in a littlenooky, romantic window sill of the castle they’re visiting. This things is soromantic, it may as well be nicknamed “makeout sill.” And yet, his arms are folded,defensively.His body language screams, “Youcan look at Doug, but you can not touch Doug.”Then, his leg accidentally brushesagainst hers.“Sorry!” he blurts out, mortified.
“Doug’s body language is that hedoesn’t want to sit with me, much less put his arm around me and give me akiss,” Emily says in voiceover. Preach, sister.
She decides it’s time to cut Dougloose. She starts her exit speech . ..“There’s such a thing as a slowmover, but then there’s NOT MOVING AT ALL,” she says.
And with that, he reaches out and gives her quite possibly the most furtive,most bloodless, least romantic kiss in the history of kisses.
“Thank you,” Emily says, as thoughDoug was a waiter who had just dropped off the check. And then she goes back tobreaking up with him.
“I think my girl radar is justtotally broken,” he says, as the limo takes him away. (Ya think?) And then hecries. Don’t worry, Doug, there are lots of pretty girls waiting for you at theCelibates Without Partners support group.
So back to the date, which has nowgone from a three-on-one, to a two-on-one.
“Dates like this make me want evenmore to be with one guy for the rest of my life,” Emily says.(Awkward syntax aside, she doesrealize that 2 on 1 dates don’t actually exist anywhere outside the littleBachelorette bizarro bubble, doesn’t she? It’s not like, when people finallyget engaged, they wipe their brow and say, “Whew! Thank God the awkwardtwo-on-one portion of my dating life is finally over.”)
She gets some alone time with Seanand I become obsessed with the fact that both his hair and his skin have theexact same pigment. He’s like one big, pinky flesh-toned hunk.
Meanwhile, Chris is going bananas.He’s beginning to realize that he hasn’t had enough time with Emily—and itmight come back to haunt him.
He twitches.He sits. He paces.He lifts a glass, puts it down.He crosses his legs, uncrosses hislegs. He twitches some more.
Finally, Sean and Emily come backand Chris pulls her aside.
“I am a little upset with you.” Hesays it in a playful, flirty way, but we all know that he’s one chainsaw away from complete massacremode.
He proceeds to tell Emily howupset he is that he hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date lately. She soothes himwith her magical kisses and the crisis is averted—for now.
Nonetheless, he is not totallyplacated, especially when Sean gets the rose.“If I don’t get a hometown date,I’ll be scared for anyone around me,” he says.
Next up, Emily’s date with Jefffffff.They wander into a marionettestore (aside: We get Build-a-Bear in the mall. Czechs get quaintlittle marionette shops, run by Gepetto.)
Then there’s an awkward momentwhere Jef and Emily act out their love via marionettes. I can’t say it any better than awoman named Abby Zidle(aka @AbZurdity) did on Twitter: “This date has taken a weird “show meon the doll” turn.” (A+)
It’s particularly apt because Jefreally is such an adolescent. In real life, Jef kinda gazes at the floor,chucks Emily on the arm and says, “You’re swell.” Through his doll, he makessmoldering eye contact and says “I’m 1 million percent in love with you.” (This segment brought to you bythe American Psychiatric Foundation.)
Then they discuss home town dates.“My parents are in SouthCarolina—they won’t be there. They’re . . . committed to some stuff for a few years,”Jef says.
Committed to some stuff? For a fewyears? In South Carolina? What could this all possibly be a euphemism for? Are they inprison? The witness protection program? Mobbed up? In . . . a CULT?
“My family is very private,” Jefsays ominously. (Then he asks her how she feels about Kool-Aid. I worry.)
Rose ceremony time. Emily contemplates the photos ofher five remaining suitors and… an urn.Yeah, not quite sure what that urnwas there for either—to represent Doug? John’s grandparents? (Okay, bad joke.)
Downstairs, Chris is all sweatyand glassy eyed at this point, worrying that he won’t get the rose. Luckily, he’ll be able to grab alittle alone time with Emily at the cocktail par—DOH! Some guy named “Chris Harrison”has come downstairs to inform the bachelors that there won’t BE a cocktailparty. They’re going straight to the rose ceremony.
“I don’t feel right,” Chris says,bobbing his head and staring at the camera with dead eyes.
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| Would you let this man around YOUR child? |
“I got this,” says John. “On ourone on one date, I knocked it out of the park.” (Sorry, Wolfy, but I thought ita bloop single at best.)
The ceremony begins. Chris standsnext to his fellow contestants, positively squirming. He literally looks likehe’s rabid. I half expect him to start actually foaming at the mouth.
Emily picks Jef, then Arie, then.. .
“Emily,” Chris interrupts, in ashaky voice. “I really need to talk to you, if that’s okay?”
So Chris pulls Emily aside andprofesses his love and clearly she can see that the man is unhinged. Dude istweaking.
Sooooo. . . of course she pickshim for a hometown date.
Wolfy, you just got PLAYED.
(In truth, I don’t think she wasever going to pick Wolfy for a hometown date. She had more chemistry with thaturn.)
Next week, perhaps the mystery ofJef’s parents will be unlocked! What if they’re Brad and Angelina, you guys?
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