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| Still Life With Confused Bachelorette |
Arie or Jef? Jef or Arie?
Emily has already thrown out theguy she wants to date (Sean) and has narrowed it down the guy she wants to, er,have carnal knowledge of (Arie) and theone she wants marry (Jef). But WHO will she choose??
Luckily for her, Emily’s family isready to step up to the plate by expressing a clear and decisive preference. Ornot.
Basically, the whole family wascrushing hard on Jef—and his Dudley-Do-Right manners and soothing voice and“edgy Mormon” (oxymoron alert!) ways. “I don’t even know why we’re goingthrough the action of even seeing someone else today,” Emily’s father sniffed,before Arie’s visit.But then Arie showed up—lookinglike sex on a stick, babbling nervously (which Emily’s brother took forconversational “smoothness”) and wielding that adorable box of crumpledroses—and they were all SO CONFUSED. “After talking to Arie, I’mconfused,” said Emily’s dad.
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| Totally useless |
So thanks for that.
Emily staggered away from familyday in a tailspin, literally wailing in agony, Nancy Kerrigan style.Why? Why? Why can’t she have twonice things?
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| If Bill Paxton can do it, why can't I? |
But a key issue emerged here—anissue perhaps more important than love or sex or “Little Ricki” ("babalu!"): Emily doesn’twant to be the “girl who gets engaged 15 times.”First of all, is there a girl who gets engaged 15 times? Because I’venever heard of her. And if she exists, she’s a rarity, not a cautionary cliche. Second of all, if you’re trying toavoid the hasty, irresponsible, more-likely-to-fail-than-a-Paul-Reiser-sitcom engagement, maybe being The Bachelorette is not the wisest choice.
That being said, Emily kept using acurious word to describe her choice of Jef: "confident." She said she had more“confidence” in him. Not that she loved him more, or thought that he was hotter,smarter, or better husband material than Arie. Just that she had moreconfidence that they would stay together in the long haul. In other words, Jef is the lessrisky proposition.
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| "Non-threatening" |
On the other hand, maybe it wassimply a matter of good timing. Maybe if Arie had gone first—maybe if it had been Arie angling forprivate time with Ricki, Arie frolicking with Ricki by the pool—he’d be the bigwinner and Jef would be the one doing a drive-by journal drop on Emily’sdoorstep. Hard to say.
An aside: I understand that Emilyis protective of Ricki—I even admire it. But it really is okay to introduce yourchild to people they may only meet once. It’s not like Ricki’s world was goingto be irrevocably rocked and ruined because she met Arie one time and he abandoned her. (By that logic, she should avoid all waiters,busboys, and lifeguards in Curacao—because what if Ricki gets dangerouslyattached to any of them?) I dunno. Maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, once Emily had made up hermind that Jef was the one for her, she did the right thing—a thing I’msurprised more Bachelorettes don’t do, considering the humiliation factor ofgetting down on one knee to a woman who’s about to reject you (yeah, I’m givin' you the stinkeye, Ashley)—she decided to break up with Arie.
But first she shared her feelingswith Chris Harrison in a little portion of the show I like to call “filler.”(But wouldn’t it have been funny if she’d introduced Chris Harrison to Ricki?).
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| Chris Harrison's "concerned" face |
What followed had to be the mostpainful breakup in the history of reality TV, right? I mean, I’ve had personal breakups that were less painful.There was Arie, all happy-go-luckyand making his stupid little love potion with that weird shaman lady and goingon and on about how in love he was and how he couldn’t wait to get married andstart his new life with Emily and Ricki.
“That moment when Emily looks inmy eyes and she can express how she feels is going to be so good,” he says. “Tohear the words is going to be amazing.
Ahhhhh, can’t look! But MUST!
So then Emily comes, and she’scrying and he’s consoling her—not for asecond possibly thinking she could be crying because she’s about to dump hisass—and then the rug totally gets pulled out from under him.
Denial is a fascinating thing,huh?In this case, the depths of Arie’s denial werepretty intense. Not only was he in denial thatEmily was breaking up with him. He was in denial over the reason why. As we find out in the most dramaticAfter the Final Rose evah (!!!), it didn’t even occur to Arie that Emily was dumpinghim because she had chosen Jef! (GeeArie, you’re on a reality show where a woman has to pick among suitors. She's narrowed it down to two. She dumps you. Do the math. On Jef’s behalf, I’m slightlyinsulted that he was so gobsmacked by this concept.)
So there’s some slight suspenseabout whether or not Emily will accept Jef’s proposal—she does, after all, notwant to become yet another engaged-15-times statistic—but Jef looks so cute in hislittle hipster engagement suit and that rock is blingtastic and he says somepretty words (that he may not have stolen this time from the Book of Mormon) soshe says yes.“Passions” will have to be bridledno longer, bitches!
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| A dress that refuses to be shown up by a 4-carat ring |
Seriously, does Emily even knowthat Jef’s a Mormon? Isn't that a conversation that maybe they should’ve had—right between “role playing with marionettes is fun!” and “you get me like no one else”? Because Mormonism is a pretty "bigdeal." And he’s obviously not like some fallen, half-assing-it Mormon—he’s aquoting the Book of Mormon, going on Mormon retreats to Africa kind of Mormon. But I’m sure it’ll all work outfine. Because denial is awesome. And Jefand Emily are pretty. And la, la, la, I can’t hear you. They live happily everafter.
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