The Bachelorette 2012-Four Left. Winner Obvious, One's a Wild Man

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SPOILER ALERT-for The Bachelorette episode aired 6/25/12.

Even though Bachelorette Emily claims that she wants to keep Ricki in the background and away from all this attention, it seems like at least once an episode we see Ricky in some capacity.

Now I don't have a problem with this. I don't think Ricki being around is a problem, either for the audience or for Ricki.

It's just that Emily states so often that she doesn't want Ricki around while all this is going on and yet Ricki always seems to be around.

I'm jus' sayin'.

On the episode aired 6/11/12 the whole kid thing got a little obnoxious.

First, Emily talks a lot about finding a father, both a father for more children Emily would like to have and, of course, a father figure for Ricki. One of the contenders said something to the effect that Ricki was part of Emily's "baggage" and no, that wasn't very nice.

It's a true statement but it's not nice to say it.

Because Ricki, as adorable as she might be, is a sort of "baggage" that Emily brings to a relationship. Hey, that's the way of the world. Man got kids from first marriage, she's got kids from prior relationship...it's a kind of emotional "baggage".

The problem is baggage is not a nice term to refer to children, who are only little human beings who didn't ask to be here. The term baggage seems to indicate some kind of excess luggage that isn't really needed and of course that's not the case.

But again, it is the way sometimes people talk when getting all down and honest.

It was contender Kalon who referred to Ricki as baggage and goodness the entire episode revolved around this incident, leading to lots of cussing, sudden and angry rejections, distrust, tears, sobs and tantrums.

Jef is third from left.  Note fabulous hair.

Ok Emily, we get it. It was wrong for Kalon to call your child baggage but Kalon was always a bit of a goof. Goodness the man made his arrival on the first episode of Emily's season from a helicopter!

The drama was a nice diversion, however and things got serious again.

On the episode aired 6/18/12, the group went to Croatia. I must assume that the production company gets big discounts for going to some out of the way place like Croatia.

This episode ended oddly, with Emily unable to eliminate one of the two left after giving the rest roses during the Rose ceremony.

Emily had a one on one date with Travis and Ryan. Travis got sent home, Ryan got rose on his date.

Which left seven contenders on an episode which should have culled down the competition to six.




The six left were:

Arie, Chris, Doug, Jef, John,  Sean.

At the end of this episode I was left with the distinct feeling this would wind down to two contenders: Jef and Sean.

Jef's got the best hairstyle of any bachelor contender….ever. I thought this deserved mentioning.

Emily seems to be very fond of Sean and let's never forget that Sean was the choice of her friends on the date when all the guys met and answered questions posed by Emily's friends.

On the episode that aired on 6/25/12 there was a weird incident involving Sean. All of a sudden Sean decided, late in the evening and after Emily returned from a one on one date with another contender, Sean gets it in his head that he has to see Emily.

The show airs a scene that has Sean looking allegedly over the city of Prague until he eventually finds Emily walking down an alleyway.

How likely is that scenario?

I suspect that Emily summoned Sean because, well she wanted to see him. Those contenders can't just go willy-nilly looking up the Bachelor(ette) on a whom.

On the 6/25/12-both Doug and John were sent home and there was much angst. Doug steals an inartful kiss from Emily but alas, it was too late.

Emily kept Chris but I sure don't know why. The guy seems like a nut to me and Emily doesn't seem to much like him.

Jef, of the fabulous hairstyle, is entirely too young and Arie...well Emily likes how he kisses so he might still be in there.

It's down to Arie and Sean as the top two is my prediction and I think Sean will win hands down.

Below other posts on this Blog about Bachelorette Emily.

The Bachelorette 2012-Emily Dumps Brad, Seeks New Partner

Bachelorette 2012 Emily Maynard Used to the Finer Things In Life



The Bachelorette airs on ABC, Monday nights, at 9pm.

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Two Mean Girls, Smart and Dumb: The Bachelor recap

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This is your juicebox on drugs

 
Two episodes in and I finally figured out what's wrong with Bachelor Ben: He's a dude. I mean this with all due respect to the less fair sex—my motto in life has always been “hooray boys!”—but let’s face it, they don't always do their thinkin’ with the thinkin’ part of their anatomy . . .
Ben had three early roses to give away and he totally botched two of them. He managed to give one to the psycho “VIP cocktail waitress” (let’s just assume there are always skeptical air quotes around her job title, just to save me future key strokes) and another one to the psycho model, who is so calmly cruel around the other girls and so eye-battingly sweet around Ben, she’s almost a parody of a mean girl. As for Kacie? Okay, she can stay.
That being said, I still love the guy. Of course, he has a perfect little Jack Russell terrier named Scotch, who trots alongside him off leash and howls fetchingly on command (my dog, by way of comparison, bolts the minute I let him off leash and only howls when I’m trying to sleep.) And of course he drives a cool vintage Ford Bronco—although he loses a few points for tricking it out (our Ben is a bit of a fauxhemian, huh?)
The girls have settled into a house in Sonoma Valley and, in case you didn’t catch it the 185 times Ben said it, he wants to show the girls where he grew up to make them feel comfortable and show them how seriously he’s taking his journey and give them more pieces to the complex jigsaw puzzle that is Bachelor Ben and zzzzzzz. . . sorry, dozed off there.
He picks Kacie for the first date.
Okay, people. Help me out here: Who does Kacie remind me of? Physically, she somewhat resembles Minka Kelly (BTW, did you hear that she’s back with Derek Jeter? Is she insane or is she just in it for a fresh supply of gift baskets?), with a touch of Sandra Bullock thrown in for good measure. But that’s not quite it. . .If anyone can tell me what I'm thinking, I would greatly appreciate it.
So Kacie and Ben walk around Sonoma Valley and duck into a toy store where Kacie buys a baton—apparently she was some sort majorette in a previous life. And then they do the most wholesome and stomach-churningly cute thing ever—they march down the street (cobbled, natch) twirling that damn baton. It’s like a scene they cut out of The Music Man because it was too corny.
“It’s like we’re the only two people on the street right now,” gushes Kacie. (That’s either because they’re sooo smitten they’ve blocked out the world or because the producers cleared the street, hard to say.)
Then they go into a movie theater, where Ben’s proposal to Ashley is playing on a constant loop. Just kidding: It’s something almost as humiliating! Baby home movies. After I recover from the fact that Kacie was a toddler in 1989 (ugh, pass the Geritol) . . .I watch the movies. First, it’s Kacie, cute and curly as a toddler, then all drum majoretty as a teen. Next it’s Ben. We see his little baby Ben butt, which the producers have inexplicably blurred (anyone who saw the season promo has already seen Ben’s adult butt in glorious high-def—to which I say, thank you Bachelor promo department). Then we see Ben’s father, who died a few years back. So Ben cries and then Kacie cries and then I cry and it’s a big ol’ blubbery mess.
A few sweet kisses are exchanged. And Kacie gets the rose. (If the rest of the show were this wholesome, it would be presented by the Church of Latter Day Saints and I wouldn’t watch it . . . and neither would you.)
Luckily, Courtney and Blakely exist!
Group date time!
Ben tells the ladies that they’re going to be performing in a play. The girls all have visions of amateur porno films dancing in their heads, so their faces fall when they meet the playwrights: A bunch of cheek-pinchingly adorable 11-year-old kids.
But these kids have obviously been spiking their juice boxes with LSD, because the play is some sort of trippy fever dream that involves dragons and hippies and weasels and Ben as some sort of male stripper prince in a lamb suit.
But first, the auditions, which prove that 11-year-old boys have a lot in common with 28-year-old men. “Can you jog in slow motion?” one little boy asks Blakely who, coincidentally, is wearing the exact same thing I’m wearing at work today— a striped micro-romper with a skin-tight bodice!
Blakely does the slow run—as Ravel’s Bolero plays in the background.
“That girl with the. . the like. . the. . .I wasn’t a fan of her,” says the most awesome little girl ever
“She did good,” says one of the little boys. (Heh.)
She gets the role of “Gingerbread Man,” prompting Samantha to quip: “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man with a hooker? Blakely.”
Oh the hits just keep on coming.
They do the play in front of an audience of Ben’s friends and family (in case you hadn’t heard, Ben grew up in Sonoma) and it’s cute and all you need to know is that Ben makes a very good prince lamb stripper.
They retire to a pool and Jennifer, the cute redhead, boldly grabs the first one-on-one time with Ben (go Jennifer!) and they have this season’s first hot tub makeout sesh.
But Blakely will have none of this.
“Being a Scorpio, we’re super passionate and great lovers,” she explains.  So she grabs Ben and then they make-out in the hot tub, too (and possibly have Scorpio style sex. . .) and poor Jennifer has to witness the whole thing and she is shocked, shocked, shocked that Ben is macking on more than one girl.
All I can say is, I hope they are chasing their appletinis with penicillin this season, cause Ben is swapping spit with everyone.
“You seem super grounded,” Ben says to Blakely in the pool. (Uh, what? She’s the opposite of grounded. She’s a freakin’ floatation device.)
Then he asks about her outfit, which is the most awesome outfit in the history of outfits, as far as Ben is concerned.
“I just thought it was cute,” she says of her micro-romper. “I’m blessed in some ways. Cheers to being blessed.” (Yes, boys and girls, she’s toasting to her boobs. )
It’s time for Ben to give his second rose. “I’m giving the rose to the girl who owned the day and the night. Made the most of her time with me in terms of  . . . conversation.” (So that’s what they’re calling it now.)

And damned if he doesn’t hand the rose to Blakely.
Me at home (Nancy Kerrigan style): Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?
“Blakely pulled the wool over the sheep’s eyes,” says Emily. (Recapping is so much easier when these girls are coming up with all the good one-liners for me.)
So anyhoo, back at the house, Courtney is just sitting around idly tormenting Lindzzzi and Erika and Kacie like they are her playthings.
“I have a connection with him,” she says.
Mail arrives from Ben: “Courtney, let’s spin the bottle-Ben,” reads Kacie, who is sweet enough to actually be happy for Courtney.
“How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” replies Courtney. (See what I mean? Almost too magically deliciously villainous to be true.)
“She’s purposefully doing this to get under our skin and it’s working,” groans Erika. (Be the change you want to see in this world, ladies.)

So Ben takes Courtney on a date in the woods with Scotch and those glorious red maples and Courtney has to pretend that she likes: a. communing with nature b. dogs c. Ben

So Ben is totally smitten with Courtney because he can see into  her soul and can tell she’s a marvelous human being. *Barf*
“Courtney’s almost too good to be true,” says Ben. (Remove “almost” from that sentence and you’ve nailed it, buddy.)
He gives Courtney a rose. Later, she talks about it on camera. And you know that sort of eerie, faraway humming that crazy people always do in movies that are set in insane asylums?  Courtney does that, all while sort of smearing the rose on her face. It’s the greatest thing ever.
Time for the final cocktail party and rose ceremony.
Basically, Blakely doesn’t follow Bachelor protocol which is: Once you have your rose, back the hell off. Instead, she keeps dropping in, boobs first, on all of Ben’s one-on-one time.
“Jugs just came in,” Samantha groans. Love. Her.
So all the girls are getting a hate-on for Blakely, which is apparently even more fun than one-on-one time with Ben, because when Ben swoops in and asks Jenna the Blogger for some alone time, she seems vaguely annoyed. “Can’t you see we’re being catty here?” she seems to say, slumping her shoulders and trudging after him.
Meanwhile, Blakely overhears the girls griping about her and can’t believe what meanypants they all are! It’s not like she has spent the whole day trying to sabotage their dates and steal their man or anything. . .oh, wait.
So she decides the best course of action is to go hide in a corner with the luggage, rocking back and forth.
Outside, Jenna the Blogger is trying to explain herself to Ben. (I love the Hitchcockian crazy music they play whenever Jenna is on screen.)
As always, it’s essentially like Jenna has put a series of words in a blender and now she is just arbitrarily spitting them out. “I don’t want you to think that I’m not. . I might appear that I’m not. . . it’s hard that it’s only you. .  .” she says. Ben nods understandingly. Then someone else comes to break up their date.
So Jenna nearly ugly cries, but instead only ugly grimaces and saves her crying jag for the bedroom. (If you’re keeping score at home: This is two cocktail parties and two bedroom crying jags. I’m pretty sure she could’ve shattered the record, had she stuck around any longer.)
You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool Ben—at least before 11—so he’s beginning to suspect that not all is harmonious in the house.
“Some of these women are starting to unravel,” he says. “I had no idea it had gotten this bad this early.”
The mansion at this point is like a house of horrors: Wherever Ben turns there’s a crying girl.
First he stumbles across Crying Corner Girl, aka Blakely. “Uh, what are you doing?” he asks. And you can tell he’s torn by two thoughts:
a. Ohmygod, I gave the rose to a crazy girl. b. Her tits look really good in this corner.
Now he wanders into the bedroom and sees Jenna crying. “Jenna? Hello?” he says. "Are you okay?" Oh, poor bastard.
So, the rose ceremony. The only big loss is Jenna, who is finally put out of her misery. “I’m in shock,” she says. (Really? Because that last conversation where you belched out some incomprehensible sentences went so well?) 
Then she begins hugging herself.  Hey, someone’s gotta hug her. (Too soon?)

Next week: Ben’s ex shows up. Could it be. . . Jennifer LoveHewitt?

Dude, that's cold! The Top Chef Texas recap

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I’m not saying that the final 3 are a little dull, I’m just saying that they showed them playing a word association game in the car ride to Vancouver. (And did anyone catch the rules to this game? Steven Seagal leads to Sammy Hagar which leads to Q-Tip which leads to Barbara Bush? Was it the “washed up celebrities of the 80s” name game? Or perhaps just the “blurt out any celebrity’s name you can think of” game?)
Anyway, they go to a kitchen in Chinatown and there are three master chefs—Takashi Yagihashi, Floyd Cardoz, and my girl Anita Lo (love her for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on—she has what can best be described as an endearing logyness.)
Sarah is tearing up because apparently whenever she is encountered with master chefs, she gets weepy (also, she and Takashi are bowling buddies, or somethin).
Paul is feeling what I like to call the “Reverse Lin”—namely, there’s an extra expectation that he'll do well in this challenge because he’s Asian.
They’ll be making a tag-team dish in 40 minutes, with no communication between partners.
They draw knives:
Anita is teamed with LindsayPaul is teamed with TakashiSarah is teamed with Floyd
And away they go.I actually love a challenge like this, precisely because of the lack of communication. The masters simply have to prep and leave some clues and hope for best. (Now if I was playing, my “clue” would be a napkin with the words “I’m making scallops 3 ways” written on it, but that’s just me.)
In the end, Sarah and Floyd achieve a perfect mind meld on their seared cod with coconut curry and win.
“I’ve won $30,000 in Canada alone,” says Sarah. “I won nothing in Texas.”

In sports we call this “peaking at the right time.” (Worked out pretty well for a little team I like to call the New York Football Giants!)
Padma now lays out the rules for the Elimination challenge: They will be serving at a Fire and Ice cocktail party, where they have to make one dish and one cocktail.
“Your dish must contain both a hot and cold element,” Padma says.
“That is so wide open to interpretation,” Lindsay reports. (Actually, Lindz, “a hot and a cold element” seems pretty narrowly open to interpretation to me.)
At Whole Foods, Paul orders 1,000 grams of King Crab and I’m thinking, get a hold of yourself man, you’re going to need some sort of giant truck to carry that much—but then I remember that 1,000 grams = about 2 pounds. #Metricsarehard
Paul and Sarah both have very high concepts, involving melting mousse and snow foam but Lindsay thinks they’re being too “gimmicky.” Hmmmm.
Meanwhile, she’s making halibut, because one of the burning questions of this season is: Can Lindsay make halibut or what? (Sadly, that’s not an exaggeration. That actually is one of the burning questions this season. Especially now that Malibu Chris and his magically shape-shifting sexuality is gone.)
Tom comes into the kitchen to check on their progress and proceeds to really mess with Paul’s head.
“What happened in the last Quickfire?” he asks. “Did the pressure get to you? Don’t you know that you’re Asian!” (Okay, he didn’t really ask that last part.)
But Paul, in classic Paul fashion, keeps his cool: “These two ladies are bad ass,” he says.
“So they just made better dishes than you?” Tom asks. (Dude, lay off.)
“Yeah,” says Paul. He is unflappable Tom. Stop trying to flap him.
It’s service time.“I wish I had another hour,” sighs Paul. But when the curtain rises, the curtain rises.
As the judges wait for their food, they bemoan the fact that someone is going to have to go home.
“There’s no Last Last Chance Kitchen,” says Tom.“Bev’s coming back!” cracks Padma.“She’s actually under the table right now,” says Emeril. Hey, an actual joke. By Emeril Lagasse. On purpose. Welcome to Season 9, Emeril!

Paul’s up first with his king crab with sunchoke chips and lobster broth, plus the “Pan Am” cocktail (kaffir lime, Thai chilies, rum—followed by a quickie in the airport bathroom).
Everyone likes the dish a lot, but they wish Paul’s Pan Am had more kick. (Ironic, since they were blasting his Quickfire dish for being too hot. Dude can’t win.)
Tom becomes enraged by Paul’s arugula, which he has basically used as a garnish. Tom is apparently a member of the lesser known PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arugula.) He is not a happy camper.
Next up, Sarah’s five greens-filled pasta with garlic and chili spiced sformato (mousse) and “Agrumi” cocktail (gin, kumquat and mango).The pasta is delicioso, but the mousse got overly frozen on her fancy freezing plate and isn’t quite creating the melting sauce effect she was hoping for.Still, high marks for degree of difficulty and flavor.
Suddenly, Lindsay begins to second guess her second guessing. Maybe she should add a more gimmicky element to her dish. So, at the last minute, she adds a spoonful of tomato ice to her halibut with fiery celery root salad and roasted tomato with an ‘Encendido” (vodka, tomato, and horseradish).And it’s a good thing, too.
“I’ve never eaten a piece of ice so well seasoned,” says Gail, of Lindsay’s ice spoon.
Also, for the record, the halibut is perfectly cooked. Can we all just finally move on with our lives?!?

Then the judges deliberate.It gets a little contentious, especially this exchange about Lindsay, between Gail and Tom.“I didn’t think she made any mistakes,” says Gail. “The drink was a mistake,” says Tom.“But it definitely went with the food,” says Gail.(Okay, so not exactly contentious, but that qualifies as high drama on this particular episode.)
The cheftestants are called back in. “Sarah,” says Padma, pausing for effect and making a sad face. “You are moving on to the finale!” (Oh, the patented Padma fakeout. When. Will. I. Learn?)
Once Sarah retrieves her heart from her mouth, she’s able to celebrate in the holding room.
Sort of strange order for the show, huh?Arugula abuse notwithstanding, Paul was pretty much a foregone conclusion, so the suspense between Lindsay and Paul isn’t that extreme. (I guess they thought the original Sarah fakeout was more compelling than a Sarah v. Lindsay final two.)
Anyway, yeah, Lindsay is going home.A shame because her womance with Sarah was a lovely thing to behold.
But it seems fitting that in a season more defined by its constantly self-mythologizing homebase state than anything else, we’d have two Texans as the final two.
Saddle up. Giddy-up. Hook em horns. Etc. etc. etc. . .

Give Him a Hand: The Bachelorette Recap

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Blue Suede Douche

One day, when I’m feeling sad, when I need to turn thatfrown upside down, I will just hunker down in front of my DVR and replay themoment that Emily tells Ryan that he and his rose-free lapel are getting thefirst ticket out of Croatia. 
It’s rare enough in this life when a douchebag gets hiscomeuppance. But to have a camera actually trained on him as it happens. To watch his douchey littleface, with its fancy little beard and smirky little smirk, go from cocky, toconcerned, to confused, to really confused,and finally to downright desperate—well, it was gratifying to say the least.
“That was very shocking,” Ryan said, as the news finally sunk in. “I’m very, verysurprised.” And then, just in case you didn’t catch his drift: “I would nothave seen that coming.” (And then, as God is my witness: “I’m baffled.”)
Of course, you gotta love the guy’s outsized confidence (and by “love” I mean“hate”): “I can’t help but to think you’re making the wrong choice,”  he said.
As for Emily, she couldn’t just leave a perfectmoment alone. She couldn’t just let him sulk home, leaving a trail of DrakkarNoir and broken dreams in his wake.Noooo, she had to confess to Ryan that she was unsure about herdecision and even suggest that maybe he wastoo perfect for her. (Ugh.)But in the end, he was poleaxed, adiosed, made redundant. 
“Trust yourself,” he said, hugging Emily goodbye. “I mean,you’re making the wrong choice. . .” (Then he added, “Be well.  . . I mean, contract a deadly disease”and  “Enjoy yourself. . .I mean,have a terrible time.”)
Okay, a few more thoughts on the episode, in no particular order.
•This tank top of Ryan’s alone should’ve been grounds forhis immediate dismissal.

Puts the "wife" in "wife beater"

•Speaking of sartorial choices, when a Bachelor wears ahoodie on the couch—drink! *Collapses into alcoholic coma*
•Nothing says Croatia quite like “The Highland Games” and menin kilts.
•Speaking of Croatia, has 3D technology not yet come to thatfine republic?  (Brave is in 3D. . .)I like my torturously-inserted product placements to be accurate.
•Oh yeah, Travis is gone. I’d miss him, if I'd ever known he wasthere to begin with.
•The time has come to talk about Doug, the couch, andwhat will hereafter be known as Ass Gate.First of all, it’s possible I misunderstood Doug. I thoughthis whole humble “I’m just a boy named Doug” routine was fake. But the man hasno game whatsoever.Exhibit A: Ass Gate. He’s sitting on the couch with Emily, and she hasessentially readjusted her position to facilitate a makeout sesh, and he letshis hand rest in the purgatorial region between her lower back and her ass andhis hand just . . .sits there. Doug’s hand is ready to party, but Doug isn’t.This was sad enough, but made truly bizarre by the fact thatthe Bachelorette producers became obsessed with Doug’s hand. No less than five times (I counted!) did the camera pan toDoug’s hand, resting uselessly on Emily’s lower back. It was as if the cameraman was saying, “Doug’s Hand Has NoGame Either.”Sad.
•Speaking of sad, poor Chris Harrison: “Emily, the extra rose you askedfor”—as he hands her the rose, waiter-style, on a silver platter—must be thescene he plays over and over again in his head as he contemplates the abyss.

"Struggle face"

"Too cool for struggle face"

•The biggest problem with the final 6? They’re all relativelylikeable.Now that I know what a loser Doug is, I can't actually hate him anymore.
Handsome, wholesome, blond, athletic Sean is so far removedfrom anyone I’ve ever known in my actual life, he may as well be from adifferent planet—but he seems like a sweet enough fellow.
While Jef strikes me as a bit of a fraud—theskateboard, the James Dean hair, the mysteriously missing “f,” the skinny tieall may scream hipster, but I think deep down he’s a mainstream guy—I still can't help but to like him.
Tall drink of hotness Arie is loveable, despite his advanced-placement-level neediness.
Chris neither attracts nor repels me, so there's that.
And John? Well, he carries his dead grammy and grampy's funeralcards in his pocket, for Christ's sake.
To be honest, much as I hated him, without Ryan, a boringseason may have just gotten boring-er. Be afraid.

Czech please! The Bachelorette recap

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Can this woman tear Arie and Emily asunder? (Spoiler alert: no)

Don’t ya just love when ChrisHarrison thinks he’s breaking the “fourth wall” of the show, by turning to thecamera and saying, “Hi, I’m Chris Harrison”?Dude, there IS no fourth wall.This is reality TV. It’s not like Harrison is some sort of shadowy figure we’veonly heard in voiceover. (Ahhh, so THAT’S what Chris Harrison looks like.) Anyway, the big drama this “ChrisHarrison” fellow wants to share with us is that Arie, like, once held handswith one of the show’s producers or somethin’. Seriously, they dated briefly(and obviously meaninglessly) 10 years ago. Not quite sure why Arie didn’t justtell Emily about this but it is legitimately possible that it SLIPPED HIS MIND.That’s how not-big-dealy it was. Nonetheless, Emily is trying toget him to come clean. It’s like watching a really frustrating game show where we know that the password is “Idated the producer” but Arie doesn’t. “What do you value most in arelationship?” Arie asks, sensing Emily has something on her mind.“Honesty,” says Emily, leading thewitness. “Me too,” says Arie. “If anything,I’m honest to a fault. I’m overlyhonest.” Emily glares.“What else do you value in arelationship?” Arie asks, because it’s clear there’s more to be said.“Complete and utter openness,”Emily says.“Those are synonyms for honesty,”Arie says (Okay, he didn’t say that, but I wish he had.)“You want complete openness?” hesays.“What the fuck do you think we’retalking about here?” Emily says (or something to that effect.)“Okay,” says Arie.And here we go:“I used to have a tattoo of my exgirlfriend’s name on my arm.”Bwah!So then we go to a commercial andChris Harrison is back. “I’m Chris Harrison,” he says.I knew that dude looked familiar!“I’m here to tell you that all theinteresting stuff happened off camera.”So apparently, Emily and Arie madeup and are cool with each other and proved this by continuing to swap spit likethey were at some sort of spit swap meet. And then Arie tells Emily that heloves her and then actual fireworks gooff. There are many reasons whyrelationships formed on the Bachelorette are doomed to fail. But the numberreason? Fireworks. Once you tell a girl you love herand actual fireworks go off (over some shimmering lake in Prague, no less),it’s all down hill from there. 

This shit isn't real, people!

You may think that a pot of goldis waiting for you at the end of the rainbow, but as my Uncle Richard proved inthis disappointing but profoundly important video, it’s actually a Staplesoffice supply store.

Okay, so the next one-on-one dateis with John, aka “Wolf.”First of all, has anyone calledhim Wolf on the show, like, EVER? Just because you wish and hope that “Wolf” isyour nickname, that doesn’t make it true.

(This just in: A Google search revealsthat his last name is “Wolfner.” Okay, I get it now. . .) (Also, he’s a “datadestruction specialist” What the hell?)
Anyway, old Wolfy was totallygetting the boot last week until he broke out the dead grandparents card(literally), which saved him for a week. But his complete and utter lack ofpersonality might still prove to be problematic.
So Wolfy comes back from his date,and he’s on Cloud 9 (well, let’s say Cloud 7. . .I don’t think Wolfy’spersonality goes all the way up to Cloud 9) because the date just went THATWELL. This makes Chris even twitchier.(More on Chris’s insane-in-the-membrane meltdown later, needless to say.)
But first, one of the mostridiculously fake, embarrassing segments in the history of the show. Yes, I’mtalking about Sean’s Stanley Kowalski moment.So Sean decides he’s a man ofaction. And men of action don’t just sit around waiting for the Bachelorette tocome to them. They go to the Bachelorette.He has a plan, almost brilliant inits caveman simplicity. He will wander the streets of Prague, shouting Emily’s(first) name, UNTIL HE FINDS HER!It’s so crazy, it just might work.So off goes Sean, roaming thestreets, yelling, “Emily! Emily!” like he’s searching for a lost poodle.Then he sees a woman in an alley,in the shadows. It’s all very Hitchcockian. Who will it be?a. Some random blonde who is notEmilyb. A transvestite who will “haveto do” for the nightc. A vampired. Actually Emily, cause lurkingin alley’s in Prague is “her thing”
If you guessed d, well, bravo. Yougive the show less credit than I do and. . .you are right.
   “Emily, what are you doing here by yourself?” Sean asks.Really, show?“Just hanging in Czech alleys, asI am wont to do,” Emily says. “Can we make out now?”“Boy, can we!”And . . . scene!

"Czech out my tongue"

Next day, the group date withChris, Sean, and Doug.
The saga of Doug, the man with nogame, continues. He and Emily are alone in a littlenooky, romantic window sill of the castle they’re visiting. This things is soromantic, it may as well be nicknamed “makeout sill.” And yet, his arms are folded,defensively.His body language screams, “Youcan look at Doug, but you can not touch Doug.”Then, his leg accidentally brushesagainst hers.“Sorry!” he blurts out, mortified.
“Doug’s body language is that hedoesn’t want to sit with me, much less put his arm around me and give me akiss,” Emily says in voiceover. Preach, sister.
She decides it’s time to cut Dougloose. She starts her exit speech . ..“There’s such a thing as a slowmover, but then there’s NOT MOVING AT ALL,” she says.
And with that, he reaches out and gives her quite possibly the most furtive,most bloodless, least romantic kiss in the history of kisses.
“Thank you,” Emily says, as thoughDoug was a waiter who had just dropped off the check. And then she goes back tobreaking up with him.
“I think my girl radar is justtotally broken,” he says, as the limo takes him away. (Ya think?) And then hecries. Don’t worry, Doug, there are lots of pretty girls waiting for you at theCelibates Without Partners support group.
So back to the date, which has nowgone from a three-on-one, to a two-on-one.
“Dates like this make me want evenmore to be with one guy for the rest of my life,” Emily says.(Awkward syntax aside, she doesrealize that 2 on 1 dates don’t actually exist anywhere outside the littleBachelorette bizarro bubble, doesn’t she? It’s not like, when people finallyget engaged, they wipe their brow and say, “Whew! Thank God the awkwardtwo-on-one portion of my dating life is finally over.”)
She gets some alone time with Seanand I become obsessed with the fact that both his hair and his skin have theexact same pigment. He’s like one big, pinky flesh-toned hunk.
Meanwhile, Chris is going bananas.He’s beginning to realize that he hasn’t had enough time with Emily—and itmight come back to haunt him.
He twitches.He sits. He paces.He lifts a glass, puts it down.He crosses his legs, uncrosses hislegs. He twitches some more.
Finally, Sean and Emily come backand Chris pulls her aside.
“I am a little upset with you.” Hesays it in a playful, flirty way, but we all  know that he’s one chainsaw away from complete massacremode.
He proceeds to tell Emily howupset he is that he hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date lately. She soothes himwith her magical kisses and the crisis is averted—for now.
Nonetheless, he is not totallyplacated, especially when Sean gets the rose.“If I don’t get a hometown date,I’ll be scared for anyone around me,” he says.
Next up, Emily’s date with Jefffffff.They wander into a marionettestore (aside: We get Build-a-Bear in the mall. Czechs get quaintlittle marionette shops, run by Gepetto.)
Then there’s an awkward momentwhere Jef and Emily act out their love via marionettes. I can’t say it any better than awoman named Abby Zidle(aka @AbZurdity) did on Twitter:  “This date has taken a weird “show meon the doll” turn.” (A+)
It’s particularly apt because Jefreally is such an adolescent. In real life, Jef kinda gazes at the floor,chucks Emily on the arm and says, “You’re swell.” Through his doll, he makessmoldering eye contact and says “I’m 1 million percent in love with you.” (This segment brought to you bythe American Psychiatric Foundation.)
Then they discuss home town dates.“My parents are in SouthCarolina—they won’t be there. They’re  . . . committed to some stuff for a few years,”Jef says.
Committed to some stuff? For a fewyears? In South Carolina? What could this all possibly be a euphemism for? Are they inprison? The witness protection program? Mobbed up? In . . . a CULT?
“My family is very private,” Jefsays ominously. (Then he asks her how she feels about Kool-Aid. I worry.)
Rose ceremony time. Emily contemplates the photos ofher five remaining suitors and… an urn.Yeah, not quite sure what that urnwas there for either—to represent Doug? John’s grandparents? (Okay, bad joke.)

Downstairs, Chris is all sweatyand glassy eyed at this point, worrying that he won’t get the rose. Luckily, he’ll be able to grab alittle alone time with Emily at the cocktail par—DOH! Some guy named “Chris Harrison”has come downstairs to inform the bachelors that there won’t BE a cocktailparty. They’re going straight to the rose ceremony.
“I don’t feel right,” Chris says,bobbing his head and staring at the camera with dead eyes. 

Would you let this man around YOUR child?

“I got this,” says John. “On ourone on one date, I knocked it out of the park.” (Sorry, Wolfy, but I thought ita bloop single at best.)
The ceremony begins. Chris standsnext to his fellow contestants, positively squirming. He literally looks likehe’s rabid. I half expect him to start actually foaming at the mouth.
Emily picks Jef, then Arie, then.. .
“Emily,” Chris interrupts, in ashaky voice. “I really need to talk to you, if that’s okay?”
So Chris pulls Emily aside andprofesses his love and clearly she can see that the man is unhinged. Dude istweaking.
Sooooo. . . of course she pickshim for a hometown date.
Wolfy, you just got PLAYED.
(In truth, I don’t think she wasever going to pick Wolfy for a hometown date. She had more chemistry with thaturn.)
Next week, perhaps the mystery ofJef’s parents will be unlocked! What if they’re Brad and Angelina, you guys?

"If Madi­son was such a Cre­ative Class hotbed over­flow­ing with inde­pen­dent, post-industrial work­ers like myself, we should have fit in."

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"Yet our pres­ence didn’t seem to mat­ter to any­one, cre­atively or oth­er­wise. And any­way, Madison’s economy was hum­ming along with unem­ploy­ment around four per­cent, while back in fun, cre­ative Port­land, it was more than twice that, at eight and a half per­cent. This was not how the world accord­ing to Florida was sup­posed to work. I started to won­der if I’d mis­read him. Around town I encoun­tered a few other trans­plants who also found them­selves scratch­ing their heads over what the fuss had been about. Within a cou­ple years, most of them would be gone."

From "The Fall of the Creative Class," by Frank Bures. "Florida" is Richard Florida, author of "The Rise of the Cre­ative Class," who theorized that artists (and gay people and immigrants) cause economic growth, so a city that wants economic expansion ought to adopt a strategy of attracting artists.

Via Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

"Doctors’ waiting rooms are absolutely brimming these days with women suffering from low libidos."

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"I have talked to a lot of young women about this, and they just don’t seem to do it any more.... Honestly, I suppose it’s because we all have so many other demands on our time now."

Many young women also feel guilty or distressed over their low libido....

So... you're so stressed about work that you don't have sex, and then you're stressed about not having sex. Stress! Stress! Stress! What do you think about all this stress as the cause and the effect of not having sex? It strikes me as a shallow and lame explanation for things.

I tend to think that the reason people are doing whatever they are doing is because it's what they want to do. There's something irrational about saying I don't want to do what I don't want to do. Or, to turn it around, I want to want something. If you want it, you want it. If you don't, you don't. Start there. Too busy? Hopeless!