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| Did I win? |
Not gonna lie. I never saw thatcoming.I had seen Christopher as afrontrunner the whole time (he, modestly enough, had also seen himself as thefrontrunner the whole time). But in the end, his collection did disappoint. Making pretty garments is onething. And Christopher’s got that down cold. But assembling a strongcollection, with a clear point of view that announces to the world who you areas a designer? That’s a whole other can of notions. Melissa, Fabio, and Dmitryall did that a lot better. But Christopher wins cutest hairand most adorable pout, so there's that.
But Dmitry? Certainly he had been coming on strong in the finalweeks: But did he ever actually win a challenge? (Okay, guess he won theprint challenge with that clever peek-a-boo print.) But for most of the show hewas the bridesmaid, the wingman, the Garfunkel. I always saw him being the “guy who madereally impeccable clothing that—shhhh—nobody actually loved.” Boy did I get thatwrong.
The other big surprise of the show? I’llsay it: Fabio’s collection. Talk about going from Drabio to Fabio. He reallypumped up the luxe, as Nina and co. told him to do. And suddenly hiscollection, which had previously seemed like the costumes for a production of Jesus ChristSuperstar on Mars! suddenly seemed sort of fresh and innovative and chic.(Still not saying I’d wear it. But at least I get it.) (But I was chatting with my friendR2 about this: Why oh why do the judges keep insisting that Fabio is, himself,a good dresser? He looks like the only hipster in the shtetl, a Hari Krishnagone clubbing, an Amish art student during Rumpspringa. NOT a great dresser. And the mystery ofthe beard still torments me: Who’s got their money on weak chin?)
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| Would you let this man dress you? |
Melissa’s collection was fabulousand very her (that one straightjacket dress with the binded shoesnotwithstanding). I would definitely wear every single one of her pieces, exceptfor this, cause really, who the hell could pull this off?
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| Besides this model, that is |
(Also probably wouldn’t wear theleather bathing suit either. In public at least. )
But back to Dmitry’s collection.I’m sorry I’d never wear it. I feel like those garments would be sold in aboutique with Russian house music on the speakers and salespeople who smelllike bad cologne. (I did sort of like that one dress with the geometricalpattern and the frills, tho. Not gonna hate.)
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| Frills gone right |
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| Frills gone wrong |
(Where did Michael Kors get the idea that ALL women want this jacket? Not this gal.)
Anyhoo, let’s look back the show,which was, let’s face it All Filler, Not Much Killer.
It starts out with all thedesigners being, quite literally, haunted by the voices of Nina, Heidi, andMK—sort of the way Dorothy was haunted by the Wicked Witch. “More expensive looking!” the voices tellFabio. “Younger!” the voices tell Dmitry.“Turn up the volume!” the voicestell Christopher.“Use color!” the voices tellMelissa.
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| More luxe!!!! |
This is driving them all a littlebatty, particularly Christopher, who has bags under his eyes and is borderline delirious.
There is so much nervous energy inthe room that they woke up Earl, the lone Lifetime FX guy, to illustrate it.“My nerves are traveling throughthe screen right now,” Fabio says. And damned if they don’t do some sort ofundulating wave effect on my TV screen. Mind. Blown. (Now Earl can go back tohis cave).
The producers must’ve promisedL’Oreal extra screen time in the finale—as if the whole season hasn’t been onebig fat infomercial already—so we have to watch all the designers get extendedconsultations in hair and makeup.
Lots of product name droppinglike, “Oooh, Coral Seduction!” and “I’m just going to go in the Everystyle CurlMousse.” Etc. Etc.
Ugh.
And because of Christopher’snervous breakdown, he can’t figure out what to do with his models’ hair. He takes one poor girl from Brideof Frankenstein to Janelle Monae to Marge Simpson and back again. Not good.
It’s always cute to see how awed and humbled and nervous the designers are when they get tofashion week. It really is a big deal—and this was a particularly nice, non-cattygroup of designers. (But note to Christopher: Blood orange really is a thing.And it’s not the same thing as red.)
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| Actually nervous, even though it looks like they're faking it |
They pan the audience as the showis about to begin. Mondo seems to have taken theInternet’s fake mustache meme to a literal degree and is sporting one thatlooks exactly like THIS.
Harvey Weinstein is also in thehouse, which means the winner will not just take home the Project Runwaytrophy, he will be guaranteed the Best Picture Oscar next year. (My filmcritic friends are ROFL right now. Trust me.)
Dmitry is talking about hisjourney to Project Runway: “I left my home when I was 18 with one backpack, acoupla hundred bucks and a huge dream,” he says. The man is good atself-mythologizing. (Later he actually says, unironically, “Winning ProjectRunway will give me the wings to fly.”)
Fabio is also talking about hisemotions. “My whole body is vibrating with positivity right now,” he says. (Earl looks up for a second,considers it, then goes back to sleep.)
And the show begins. JHud is theguest judge. I agree with the judges. Everyone really did great. And it’s cuteto see all their families and loved ones kvelling in the audience.
Afterwards, design insiders picktheir favorites. We’ve got fashion editors, thebuyer from Lord & Taylor, Joanna Coles, and . . .*record scratching sound*. . .Stephanie Meyers, authorof Twilight??? Seriously, the most random people show up at these things.She’s on Team Dmitry, BTW. (TeamEdward is PISSED.)
So Christopher is the first to beeliminated. He’s great, but just not ready.Then Melissa. Her collection,while young, funky and fresh, was too predictable.So it comes down to Fabio andDmitry.
There’s some brief talk of whoneeds the win more—they all agree that it’s Fabio, whose aesthetic is much moreoffbeat. That’s a pretty bullshit reason to make someone the winner. (Justsayin’).So even though Christopher “demandsa recount” (heh) I’m glad Dmitry won over Fabio. I never even expected Fabio tomake the finale, to be honest. He definitely exceeded my expectations (and hisown: He thought he was going to be the first to be eliminated.) In the end, say what you will about Dmitry, he was much more consistent all season long.
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| Heidi will now take him back to the dungeon where she keeps all the past winners |
Once Dmitry won, I kept waitingfor the big reveal where his family from the Motherland was flown in to seehim. (Get the feeling that Mama and Papa Sholokhov are none too thrilled thatyoung Dmitry didn’t join the family distillery?) (I made thatup. I have no idea what Dmitry’s family does.)Instead, he has three bleached blondebesties (all future employees in his boutique, no doubt) and then “someone elsewho’s very excited to see you.” Have Mama and Papa Sholokhov forgiven him?Is it Elena, finally willing toadmit her true feelings for him?Nope. It’s Tim Gunn!And damned if Tim isn’t all chokedup. “I’m losing it,” he says. Oh, Tim.
So congrats Dmitry: You came tothis country with a backpack (unofficial contents of said backpack: tap shoes,a bottle of Drakkar Noir, a pair of leather skinny pants, and a thimble), acharmingly monotone voice, and a dream that you made come true.
I bet you’re feelin’ a whole lotlike THIS guy right now.
p.s. Reading my Nashville recaps on Vulture yet? What are you waiting for?
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