 |
| Ryan Murphy's next sitcom |
There should be a special corner of hell reserved for momswho want their toddlers to look “edgy.” First of all, how the hell can a baby look edgy? I mean, doyou really look at an 18-month-old and think, “Oh, she must have an awesomestudio in the Village where she crafts her subversive finger paintings whilesmoking Gauloises”?Second of all, edgy doesn’t sound comfortable, soft, orcute—all things a baby’s wardrobe is supposed to be.Just stop it, moms.
Anyway, yes, we’re at Babies R Us (sadly, my Blogger fontdoesn’t include a backwards R with a star in it, so just use your imaginationpeople) where—surprise, surprise—Heidi has a line of clothing called “Fuck You,I’m a Baby!” (Just kidding. It’s called Truly Scrumptious.)
The challenge is simple (at first): Design a cute getup fora 12-18 month old toddler. Since there are 3 boys and 3 girls, Heidi—who is always trying to milk as much free labor from her contestants as possible—will pick 2winning looks.The designers are randomly paired with their patooties.
It’s Dmitry who gets edgy mom. But Christopher’s mom (“Mary J. Blige,” Sonjia calls her) isno picnic. She describes her child as “fashion forward.” *Headdesk*(Basically half the moms are like, “My little dumpling isfashion forward.” And the other half are like, “He needs snaps cause he peeshimself.”)
 |
| Does this onesie make me look fat? |
They’re about to head back to the studio when Heidi says, “Ihave a special surprise.”
And Tim, quite literally, says, “Mwah ha ha!”
The surprise comes in the form of baby dolls—but not thekind that sit there and do nothing. “[They're the] screaming crying babies they give to teenagers beforethey have sex,” explains Elena.
Dmitry, for his part, is upset because he’s been given ablack baby. Where’s Maury Povich when you really need him?
Then he decides to name his baby Brandon. (Didn’t see thatcoming.)Elena names her baby Asshole. (Saw that coming.)
Fabio, as it turns out, is a great nurturer of his Baby-Screams-a-Lot. “Fabio is obsessed with baby,” says Dmitry. “The baby is notreal Fabio. Leave the baby alone. It wants to sleep.”
Oh, Dmitry. Marry me.
Meanwhile, Dmitry’s baby will totally have shaken babysyndrome. Dude, you’re supposed to gently rock the baby, not swing it aroundlike a javelin.
Twist number two: Now, the designers have to make acomplementary look for the moms, too!
This sends a few of them off the deep end.Elena, in particular, starts drawing Dali-esque abstractionsinto her HP tablet, The Shining style.Never a good sign.
Then they have to bring their “babies” to Mood, so they basically look like 6 delusional schizophrenics with a day pass.
There’s a fitting and the only thing Christopher’s mom hatesmore than her look (“I feel like I have on my mom’s 1970s tablecloth”) is herbaby’s look (“not under any circumstances.”).Christopher, wisely, slaps on a conciliatory belt and sticksto his guns.
Runway Day!
New mom Hilary Duff is the guest judge. (But she can’t be a mom! Because she’son the Disney Network and she’s, like, 12! Right? Right? La, la, la, I can’t hear you.)
What follows is the cutest runway show in the history ofever. And, in an ironic twist, many of these toddlers weigh more than the actual models. (Heh…)But seriously? When Elena’s baby waddles behind the runwayscreen, my ovaries legit explode.
All 6 designers stay on stage for the judging.
First SonjiaFor starters, Sonjia totally lucked out with her littlefellow, Jude, who is the cutest thing ever and a total flirt. (My friend Evanhates when people refer to babies as flirts. It grosses him out. But seriously,this little dude? Working the room.)
 |
| "You've been a wonderful audience" |
Everyone loves her little man-suit with the elbow patches.(And you know a lot of guys at home are like, “Why can’t I have a comfy fleeceonesie business suit?”)
Next Melissa, whose baby has the dreaded ED (in this case,Exposed Diaper.)
She saves herself with an awesome vest.
 |
| To be honest, I think the exposed diaper works for her |
Fabio’s modern take on nautical is a big hit.
Elena’s baby looks like she just came from a “baby samplesale” according to Michael Kors. It's all too much. (Elena? Overdesigning? Say it ain’tso!)
Dmitry’s baby is sleeping.“You never wake a sleeping baby,” Heidi says, mantra-like.Everyone nods solemnly.People like Dmitry’s look, although Nina notes the all redget-up with the pointy hood resembles a crayon.
And if I may add my two cents here: I hate a pointy hood. Ihave this bitchin’ Mike and Chrisleather jacket with a pointy hood that I can never put up. My sister calls it a“penis hood” but to me, pointy hoods evoke gnomes or members of the Ku KluxKlan. Ugh.
Anyway, Dmitry’s baby wakes up and is probably scarred forlife seeing Michael Kors’ orange face looming over him like that sounexpectedly.
Finally, Christopher’s dress. Adorable, but impractical they all agree.“The mom would totally wear that dress,” says Michael Kors,with confidence. And Christopher’s mom grits her teeth.
 |
| Please someone remind Heidi that this is not actually one of her babies |
The winners are Sonjia and Christopher!
 |
| That looks NOTHING like Christopher's dress |
And the Bottom 2 are Melissa and Elena. And…Elena is out.(I actually enjoyed Elena’s mordant personality and willkinda miss the little she-devil. But I literally didn’t like a SINGLE THING shedesigned in the entire competition. So it was her time.)
Backstage, in an unexpected twist, Dmitry gets down on oneknee and says, “Make me happiest ballroom dancer on planet and marry me Elenaso we can make beautiful Project Runway babies together and live happily everafter in the Motherland.”Well, okay, he should’ve said that. In fact, they didn’teven hug goodbye. Dmelena is officially dead.
 |
| At least we'll always have this picture |
Did anyone else notice smoldering glances between Tim Gunnand Fabio? Gabio anyone?
Hiç yorum yok:
Yorum Gönder