Let’s Call the Whole Thing Meh: The Project Runway recap

From Russia, With Hate

 
Well, darn.
If Project Runway was a scripted show, there would have beena dramatic moment last night where Dmitry and Elena, in the midst of sniping at eachother, would’ve locked eyes, hurled aside their fabric and glitter, and passionately hate-kissed.
Or…or…better still.Cut to a scene of Dmitry alone in the studio. Elena: What’s wrong?
Dmitry: I am missing my tango. I am ballroom dancer first, designer second. Elena: I will tango with you, Dmitry.
The lights dim and we see Elena and Dmitry doing theforbidden dance (or is that the Lambada? I always forget). Their eyes lock again.
Dmitry (smolderingly): I hate you!
Elena (smolderingly): I hate you more!

And then…they (smolderingly) kiss!!! And...scene.

Yeah. That would’ve been much better. Instead, all they do iscomplain about each other for 90 minutes. Oh wells.
So the show starts with Heidi asking the designers, “Who’sgood at negotiating?”
Turns out, and contrary to all evidence in previous shows, they’re all good at negotiating.
And it’s a good thing, too, because they will have to earn their keep thisweek.No Mood freebies for them. The studio is filled with glitter, paint, stickers—arts and craftstype materials.“I don’t like sparkle, I don’t like glitter. I don’t likeany of that stuff,” says Elena.Color me shocked.
“This is a very exciting day,” says Tim Gunn, in his bestMr. Gunn’s Neighborhood voice.
Tim explains that they can make tee-shirts, jewelry, scarves, etc.—anything to sell onthe streets of New York.And it doesn’t stop there: They can give fashion advice,offer to do alterations. “Whatever you need todo to make money,” Tim Gunn emphasizes. He’s basically selling them into sex trade at this point.
But first, the teams! That are totally random and not theresult of producer manipulation AT ALL!!

Team one is Christopher, Gunnar, and Sonjia, aka Team Max’sFavorites Except for Melissa, She’s Cool, Too. (Doesn’t quite roll off thetongue, though.)

Sassy, adorable, better than your faves, etc.

Team 2 starts with Dmitry. Then Elena is chosen.In a private interview, Dmitry groans loudly and slumps hisshoulders.OH NOT WAIT. That wasn’ta private interview. That was right in front of Elena!!!“What did I do in a past life to deserve this?” he moans in a private interview.OH NOT WAIT. That wasn’t a private interview either!!!
Alicia is also on that team, for what it’s worth. 

Alicia stuck in a Dmelena sandwich

Team 3 is Ven, Fabio, and Melissa. (“A room full of aren’t we fabulous? We’reso fabulous,” as Michael Kors perfectly put it.)

"Our collective awesomeness is almost unfair"

So they all start making stuff and, in truth, the tee-shirtsthat Dmitry, Elena, and Alicia made are godawful.
Saleswoman of the month Elena is all too quick to point thisout to potential customers.
“We’re trying to sell these crappy tees!” she chirps. (Just once, I’d like an employee at The Gap to say that tome.)
Dmitry is horrified: “Elena iz walking depression,” he says,in that fabulously droll, adenoidal way of his.
Back at the studio the challenge is to make two completefall looks, at least one with outerwear.
Gunnar and Christopher are getting along adorably well(squee!) but Elena thinks Christopher’s camel hair trench coat looks like aSnuggie. Heh. 

I must be shopping at the wrong Snuggie store

Tim Gunn can’t wrap his brain around Dmitry’s exposed darts.He just stares, slack-jawed, at Dmitry’s exposed darts as if Dmitry himselfjust sprouted an exposed dart.
The biggest bit of drama comes when Tim assesses thecollection of Team Ven, Melissa, and Fabio and decides that Ven’s highlyconstructed (go figure) skirt doesn’t fit with the rest. But since compromise is Ven’s middle name, this poses noproblem at all!(Actually in fairness, after a bit of grousing, Ven isfairly flexible on this—but does anyone else think he made the most lame,generic replacement skirt to SPITE his team?)

Really, Ven?

Elena keeps mocking the way Dmitry talks: Apparently, theway he says “sporty” (“spahwty”) is just hilarious to her. To me, this is the equivalent of an identical twin callingher twin sister ugly. Girl, you sound EXACTLY LIKE HIM.

The other bit of Elenadrama: She wants her coat to bebuttoned as it goes down the runway. This, we find out later, is not because she’s trying to saveAlicia from herself, as she claims, but because her coat looks like shit whenopen. Alicia, understandably, doesn’t think covering up her onlytwo small contributions to the collection is in her best interest (inhindsight, maybe she was wrong about that, but I digress…).She insists the coat stays open.
“It’s her ass on the line, not mine” Elena says. Which makessense cause Elena has immunity. Oh no, wait. . .
Runway Time!Guest judge is Anna Sui, who has lots to say about teamwork,much of it contradictory.
The looks come down the runway and Team Christopher, Sonjia,and Gunnar are the “clear winners,” says Heidi. Sweet!
Then the dreaded “who should win?” moment (only slightly lessdreaded than the “who should go home?” moment.)
Christopher votes for Gunnar. (And somewhere, an angel justgot his wings.)Gunnar says” “I think that I would be a contender. But Idon’t want that to sound pugnacious.” No fear of that, Gunnar!Sonjia picks herself.
Now time to discuss two-thirds of the contestants, aka the losers.
Elena is already glowering and squirming as the judgingbegins.
She’s upset because Dmitry created an entire outfit on hisown, trying to hog the spotlight.Then she says, “The whole collection had to be built aroundyour dress because you don’t know how to do anything else!”
(The phrase “oh snap” was actually created for moments like this.)
The judges, however, weren’t wild for Dmitry’s shawl/scarf, orElena’s hideous “can’t be worn open” coat. Briefly, like the rest of us, they forgot Alicia existed.Then they finally said, “Wait. Alicia. What did you do?”
And she explained that she “designed” the plain pants and plainer top that wentunder Elena’s coat.
If Alicia ever starts her own label, it should be called“Meh.”
Onto team Fabio, Melissa, and Ven.The following words are used to describe their collection:Droopy, lumpy, sloppy, sad. (Four of the dwarves in an existential productionof Snow White).The only thing the judges like is Melissa’s white leatherjacket. They hate Fabio’s coat, as do I. Michael Kors says “it’sgrandma’s house coat. She should have Kleenex in her pocket.”(MC Metaphor strikes again!)

They notice that Ven’s pieces don’t have a whole lot of“Ven” in them.
Decision time.
The winner is Sonjia! She’s got her groove back! (Might herpower come from her ginormous headscarves? God, I hope not.)

Winning!

And Alicia is ….OUT.
After, she turns to the camera and says, in the most diffident,unconvincing way possible: “You haven’t seen the last of me, for sure.”I swear, it was like she was reading it off a cue card. But hey, who knows? The “Meh” label might actually take off.I’ll even give her a tagline: “For Days When You Just Can’t Be Bothered.”